The care and guidance of the reference person(s) (in childhood) is conditional. You notice that you are rewarded and appreciated, when you behave “right”. The reward is often not love, but consists of benefits in the form of money or goods that the caregiver (the powerful one) finds appropriate. What you think of it yourself; whether you really like these things or to what extent you feel left out is ignored by the caregiver.
“You give me something, I give you something. If you do something for me, I’ll do something for you.”
This is the mantra of this form of relationship.
Note: I have made the following music selection for myself. It may therefore appear to you (the reader) to be unsuitable for this structure, as it is based on personal criteria.
I adapt to your wishes because I love you
A loved subject or an important attachment figure wants me to live up to the image that he/she has created for me. This makes you lose touch with your own voice and your own wishes. If the reference person is also a loved one, the loving contact is damaged by these expectations. You adapt, but the love is lost because you do not feel accepted as you actually are.
Now, Now – School Friends
Tori Amos – Mother
Tori Amos – Silent all these years
The world wants me to be not me
“I see the world outside. I can understand that the world does not tolerate or stigmatise some behaviour. But how does it feel to go through the world every day wearing a mask?”
One adapts one’s own behavior to this role that society has set for the kind of person one was born to be, the kind one was diagnosed to be. The world seems frighteningly powerful through the masses of people who have all adapted and who are ready to punish you if you do not behave as expected.
Beth Gibbons – Candy Says
Mia Doi Todd – Can I
Depeche Mode – Everything Counts
Our relationship is a sand castle
The relationship should be like heaven, but you feel like a crucified person. One suffers for the sins of man (the partner). Everything you build up is like being built on sand, because the expectations of the other person are felt as duty and compulsion and there was no clarification/talk about the extent to which a non-conformity with the expectations invalidates the relationship, so that one did not decide to do something good for the other person out of love, but rather this was seen as an expectation (duty).
Eddie Vedder – Out of Sand
Tori Amos – Crucify
Cat Power – Say
Note: Music is free and the assignments made here are for entertainment purposes only and can never restrict a song to only these aspects.
