I travel on an imaginary portrait through all encounters of the (my) world. And this drains the energy from this image, from myself. I try to assess the world on the basis of this portrait and I am ashamed of the fact that there is a true human being to whom I anchor this portrait and my fantasy; I anchor it; I anchor it and refer to this true human being, as if I could thereby keep this human being in my life; in my world. As if life and this world were not a meeting of independent individuals who all have their very own world.

• I am inexperienced, I imagine there is something in the intimacy between people which is more than what we know as closeness

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• I want to experience what I never had and now it is too late, it is the typical dilemma of a potential gynophobe (too late) and then again I don’t want it

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• For what do I need this feeling of security?
• Who do I still want to assure my faithfulness when no one is around anymore?
• Why do I act against my own dignity and let myself be driven by those who can influence me by making me believe.
• I needed it, I had no experience that brings me as a human being to this level that I saw in myself that I could be and thought: now I am bad, because I do not correspond to my image that I saw of myself (that the media and the whole world have shown me what there is: the hero, the star, the savior, the one who has a story; not looking at the story, but who is really a protagonist).
• Why am I always spectator and not a protagonist?
• How do I appear to those people I want to inspire, to love and never show it to them properly (truly without fear of them or their judgment)

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One more quote from the comic Habibi, then this article is also roughly nudged again. One could write down surely still further details. In itself, however, it should only be a call, a call that lacks the words to express it exactly. Anyway, we always come up with words that do not exist, because the existing ones are not enough to describe what I feel … never describe a complete picture, but always only a reflection.

“The Sufi saint Rabi’a Al-Adawiyya was seen carrying a firebrand and a jug of water – the firebrand to burn Paradise, the jug of water to drown Hell…So that both veils disappear, and God’s followers worship, not out of hope for reward, nor fear of punishment, but out of love.”

Novels should be written and not such analysis as I am doing here. The coolness of the words and the forced abstraction towards something that is close to you leads you astray, separating you from your own emotions as you describe it.

Few passages on this website are successful for me. Much contains repetition and is riddled with passive-aggressive desires.

I almost have to laugh that I try to get to know myself more on this page and that my body and my whole being resists every time I put it on the page and denies again and again: no I am not, no I was it only for a short time when you wrote it… and after that not anymore. One should deal much more carefully and cautiously with the topics which I shed out into all winds. Another person can already live successfully (if truthfully) only from a single small part a whole history in his life. I talk about everything and I empty myself. Making it clear: One must accept me that I am not a protagonist.

The desire for sincerity (in short: for all virtues) cannot be denied from me. If then my being, my body (and that where I come from as such) then twist me this desire for sincerity again and again so that the body wins, what should I be able to do against it or want?

If life also shows me that I develop an iron deficiency after being vegan for a long time. What is that supposed to tell me?

With us humans the way already goes into a wrong direction, for a long time. But what can we do about it (as a species) ?

Let me have more questions and less answers. I want to be able to ask again and be really interested in getting answers to my questions. No blindly piling up information and logging. More exploding, more intuition and authentic. Accumulate less collections. Having space again for real experiences with people without anchoring and comparing all people to anchors.

Also: no magic or sorcery to get things right.

May it be: also again more suffering but not for an abstract table of laws that doesn’t give a shit about my real life. Suffering for something that gives you a feedback that comes from a living being and not from a Sisyphus rock wall on which you keep rolling up stones.

Unfortunately still much too embedded. For rebellion against one’s own walls, the spark must glow foremost. You have to keep a glow in you, otherwise it dissolves.

Most of all, I would still like to fight against my blog itself, against my resting place. I would like to strengthen my body so that it is stable enough to go everywhere on a journey of discovery.

Two times the nine today: numbers and superstition have fueled my hustle and bustle today. I decided to use the quality of the zeitgeist to write a few posts. Today it seems to me, that the emotions and listening to them are more important than the accurate depiction of words. For whom am I writing? After all

Hah: that’s what the observer is for. That’s why I am a spectator. These moments in which I fall into hypnosis, in which I only follow what I have set off (hypnotized and asleep), reeling. The observer is there to recognize this and to say: “it’s just a game”, “you’re fooling yourself”. The observer wants to protect me from being exposed, exposed in that I am not free. That I am controlled.

Isn’t it a nice feeling to follow where the chaos created by music, emotion and emptiness in one’s own head leads one? To just keep writing, even though the words are just flowing without any content following.

There is no need to prove anything to anyone. In me everything always transforms when the observer takes the helm.

First rebellion and fire in the consciousness, suddenly it appears as excuse and protective wall. Was the feeling of rebellion and fire now a lie? This changeability of the feelings. I can fathom it only with difficulty. It shows: “Being and doing”, there is a difference. One can be everything, but one appears to others as what one does, what actions one actually performs daily in contact with them.

When you interact with people, it is the actions that show others what they can or cannot rely on when they are in contact with you. Who controls these actions? Mostly the observer, who intervenes in a controlling manner and puts excessive emotions in their place. He does this in harmony with and for the sake of the group and what is considered sensible in dealing among people. Therefore, there is always a foreign control. So there are several hypnoses:

• the hypnosis of the rebel, who lets himself be hypnotized by his inner fire

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• the hypnosis of the observer, who wants to show the rebel that he is externally controlled, but who himself is externally controlled by the system of human society and its demands on coexistence.
• then still the observer who says: “there is no right in the wrong”. The world is already constructed wrong.

There is a lot that I can not see through exactly. But it must be possible, to feel good even if the world is a mystery, without suppressing. The surfer sign still seemed to me the most meaningful sign in a world where we are constantly riding waves. If I have all the means to keep my peace of mind clear, why not use those means.

Tune in, drop out?

There are some clicks you can have to have insights that let you have a stable stand on that which really comes out of you. One can rise above the tablets of laws and create one’s own laws (with “clicks” sublimities are meant, that one has due to stable wisdom that normally is learned through long experience, but which are picked up here through progressive mind experiences)

Into the wild?

Alternative objective: Search for what sustains humanity in a way that is dignified and find a form of society that does not degenerate our genetics and does not need regression into technology to produce strong offspring and does not need authoritative rulers. Where are the really sustainable social concepts for a healthy future of mankind, which start with ethics and morals and do not need capitalistic incentives (and the nonsense of 1984, Brave New World, or Fahrenheit 451 we do not need anyway, that has already proven to be absurd life worlds). Rather something like Hundertwasser (no corners and having a house full of living plant sounds much more sympathetic).
It is astonishing, how much the technology has already brought us humans into a world, in which stimuli do no longer bring the best offspring (evolution broken)

enough for today…