Impulse of the pitiful dragonfly

A bicycle ride in autumn. I enjoy the inspiration of a play of light in the side street lit up in the evening, where I (completely alone) exhilarated and thoughtfully breathe in the pleasant air. On the short mountain stretch I pedal more slowly and suddenly a beautiful dragonfly glides along beside my bike with a whirring sound. I continue pedalling and think for a moment about what this insect wants from me. It is said that dragonflies defend their territory and as I think so, the dragonfly suddenly comes closer and closer to my front wheel. Should I stop or not? I decided to swerve slightly, but it was not enough. The dragonfly got caught in the front wheel, was caught and hurled around and by the fate of gravity it was catapulted onto the asphalt after a short time where it came directly under my front wheel and was run over.

I drove a bit further, then turned around and drove over the insect again to make sure in a sad way that it did not have to suffer any further. Whether it was the size of the animal or its filigree beauty, I was beaten by what life throws at me. Suddenly in the situation that you kill something beautiful unintentionally.

When I was at home, my courage sank and I suddenly felt all the little emotional pressures much stronger and I felt compelled to write directly to a dating acquaintance that all our writing had no meaning. I felt better (liberated) after that. As if I no longer had the pressure to pretend. I felt exhilarated about having made a scene with the other person and hoped that the tension that was in it would help me to get back in touch with this person in a way that I could cope with. It felt right at the time, but only because I had once again failed to tell this lady earlier that I had built up my frustration instead of immediately releasing it. I hadn’t said that the contact with her had become too intense and now the situation with the dragonfly had brought the whole thing to overflowing.

My subconscious has found a situation with the dragonfly to escape. Escape from a possible liberation in order to stay where you feel safe and not to be constantly accused of wrong behaviour. The lady deleted all our chat conversations as a result (with these more modern messengers it is possible by now), ended the contact and blocked me. But that’s no use, because I saved the chat conversations anyway. I already expected that it would happen and of course the chat conversations meant something to me.

Tim Buckley – Morning Glory

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