Process of possession.

I feel inside myself and feel a foreign power working in me and on me. A feeling as if I am looking into myself from the perspective of my beloved; and I perceive myself as my beloved. As if I had a good feeling about how my inner life and my inner being is being reorganized, transformed into the way of thinking and the beingness of my beloved.
I take hypnotic pleasure in watching myself distort the corner of my mouth as my lover has done in one of her notorious photos. Then I realize that this display of my emotions in the face of myself helps me to pretend that my beloved is satisfied with me in some way, so that I find an artificial way to escape my not-acceptance (where I so long to be accepted by her) for a while. I gift myself with the illusionary dreamed consciousness of my beloved within me and feel my common ground, which she must now have with me and my value which I must have for her. Since she now exists within me as a spirit of the unconscious, I have the reassuring feeling that she now has access to my hidden being and therefore can no longer devalue me, since she is now able to fully recognize and understand my intentions. I tell myself that my artificially created image of her is good enough for her to recognize it in reality. As soon as I catch a glimpse of her outside of me, when my short excursion into fantasy fades away, the magic disappears and I feel shame instead for having “left” my beloved. For I then think of her distant existence in real life and of where she may be and that I have no right, no connection to her and no share in her life. After the illusion that I realized her in myself shortly before, the devaluation and condemnation of my self by myself now hurts me especially because of this short period of time between appreciation and devaluation. With force of insight I reject the illusion from myself and condemn myself for having created this illusion. I now feel dissociated from myself; but at least I am satisfied that my beloved one is happily staying in the distance without me. I myself hold the fort with what remains to me. I imagine that I have depicted the idiosyncrasy of my beloved and that I am now more like her, although I am myself again, which makes me feel positive again. Since I am invalidated, I leave it at that.

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