Hedgehogs dillema

I am afraid of real closeness and have a strong desire for it. If I would have this closeness, then I feel lost, so I don’t dare to approach those women who show that they are healthy and want closeness. Friendly good faces make me realize that their closeness and health would immediately become too much for me. I do not go into relationships that could be healthy. Because being healthy as society represents it means sharing everything with a partner and having an unconscious thing going on and becoming independent. That you are connected on an unconscious level. The instinct receives more power than I would like to grant it. I am afraid of losing control and when it happens I immediately try to create distance again. So I find sympathy for “closeness with distance” and yet I am not stable but unstable and look for those who are stable to talk them out of stability. For what? If I would feel comfortable in instability, then I would not have to talk others out of their stability. I look for those who are belligerent. That doesn’t do me any good.

I therefore search for those who are similar to me in their nature and so make themselves known. Then I recognize that they do not tolerate proximity and also communicate this, unlike me. I feel attracted to them because they are similar to me. They are in an authentic position. I feel a lack of being able to tolerate closeness and resent it myself. I then try to show these people that closeness is important and that they have to give up their aloofness as if I wanted to prove it to myself. I learned from my parents that you are good when you mediate. That you are good when you create a balance and try to bring two incompatible poles together, so I always try to solve situations by pretending that there are two sides and that the other one is not already perfectly ok with his one side. Then I can solve it and the other one likes me for it. This is how I see it. I abuse the other as a proxy for my own problems. Knowing that these people don’t let me get close to them, I feel like those people who wanted something from me at that time and whom I couldn’t get close to or rejected. I act out again what happened to me at that time is from the point of view of the other party, without having consciously chosen it. All of them are strong, only I fluctuate. Those who are close throw me off balance. Those who are distant throw me off balance. I am always the one who feels called to prove to others the incompleteness of their being, because their strength is an affront to me, because I cannot prescribe my weaknesses in myself and because I think people will like me if I construct a deficiency for them and try hard to solve this constructed deficiency for them. Those who are closeness, have never tried to prove anything to me, they were just like that. Those who are distance never tried to prove anything to me, they were just like that. I look for those who are belligerent. That doesn’t do me any good.

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