Deep reflections on Y.

The original text is from 2017, I have added new text and corrected old text (2019). Recitable to:
Talk Talk – Tomorrow Started
Roky Erickson & The Explosives – (Wait) For You
Livia Florentine & Soulagent79 – It Would Be Over
Rio Reiser – Sei mein Freund
Mark Hollis – A New Jerusalem
Light in Babylon – Hinech Yafa
A Chinese Ghost Story
Talk Talk – Inheritance

Useful formulas of mediation (autosuggestion). To speak after reading:
“I’m fine”, “I’m healthy”, “I’m good”, “I’m healthy”

I violate the wishes of Y if I fathom everything so analytically, because Y wants me to leave her alone and these considerations could (once spread out) show that I do not leave her alone or it could be that my considerations dig too deep if they should actually hit and disturb her peace of mind.

I become a burden to Y by putting all these “problems” I have with Y so much in the foreground instead of looking at how I can help Y by really satisfying her needs and not always talking about how to do it or anything else. I whine and lash around instead of “attacking” by creating beautiful moments. Y needs someone who will take care of her beauty, because she feels soiled by the world, by ordinariness and dull instincts. Y always has to chum up to the aspirant and descend to the aspirant when she is floating in spiritual heights. She expresses herself elaborately and has a high mental horizon.

X recognizes that Y always sees through him immediately when he says something that is brought about by pretence and the desire to please. X knows that Y can hardly handle it when a person does not reveal his true reasons but conducts absurd conversations that do not follow any true purpose and where the true intentions have not been stated. X knows that Y does not want to waste her time and yet X does not manage to change in this respect. X is sad that he often takes on a disguised role in conversations out of fear, in which he wants to protect himself against rejection. X is helpless, because he can hardly change and only realizes afterwards that he doesn’t dare to be really honest with Y and to tell Y what he would like to have from her or her being together. X feels a deep unease about being committed in this way, because he does not want to treat Y like an object, but like an equal subject and this haggling with objects is incomprehensibly suspect to him. Despite explanations from Y, X still does not understand the way Y maintains or wishes to maintain relationships. Y mainly cultivates direct relationships with people who probably know nothing about each other. X has different ideas about how to deal with friends and acquaintances. X assumes from this attitude of Y that he cannot achieve a symbiotic proximity to Y in which he can be initiated into her circles. X perceives Y’s reticence as threatening, even though Y has explained to him that the duration of a contact can say nothing about the closeness of the relationship. X feels relegated, because he cannot take the open-hearted presentation of Y as it is meant (as a presentation), but interprets this rejection of closeness as an extreme fidelity to the word (although X appreciates the fidelity to the word in Y). X also wants relationships in which one gives each other all freedom, but for unclear reasons the values of X and Y clash here. He is afraid of Y’s reticence (better yet: non-committal). Because he feels that Y has had an absolutely noncommittal contact with him at almost any time, and he could squirm and try to please her no matter how hard he tried. Y is in a strange way untouchable for the advances of X. X does not understand and despairs that all his attempts to touch Y only leave her cold and X is afraid of Y because of this strangeness. X realizes that in the logical explanations of Y, reasons have been given in which she describes why she acts this way. In reflecting on these explanations, X feels affection for Y again, because he understands that Y has behaved fairly towards him and did not want to harm him with her behaviour. X realizes that the conflicts he has with Y are not wanted by either side, but apparently cannot be avoided either.

X has to think when he visits places that Y has mentioned or where he has corresponded with Y even in real life (RL). He perceives these places as “haunted places” or “lost places”, because here he strongly perceives the memories of Y and the absence of Y seems to him as if it was planned in such a way that it causes him deliberately suffering. He feels strong nostalgia when visiting or staying at these places. But they also have an inspiring effect. X is afraid to meet Y there, because he feels that Y might feel this as if he had visited these places on purpose to meet her there. X imagines in his mind reactions of Y, which change from hate, cold aversion to envy and contempt. X tends to remain in his thoughts with the portrait of that state in which Y simply shows no emotions and X feels very strongly that he is not seen (inner drama). It then seems absurd to X that Y would be hostile towards him in such a way. As if Y would suffer from some strange disease, because X can’t understand that all his well-meaning actions don’t reach Y in the way he meant them. X feels acceptance in the face of these insights and often leaves these places with a feeling of inner seclusion and feels strangely separated from the people scurrying about. X considers whether he should always carry a made book or work of art with him to hand it over to Y, should he meet her, so that he hands over to Y a kind of toll which should protect him (in his eyes) from an impending devaluation by Y. What else could he tell Y in such a sudden encounter along the way? Every little greeting or stammering word would be interspersed with a senselessness. X suspects that he would have to develop don-juanesque abilities for a new start. X senses that Y could possibly be “won” with a very subtle and skilful conversation. X feels degraded by the fact that it is possible to persuade Y with skilful words, which only seem like smoke and mirrors to him, when he knows that he meant well. X feels confused by the feeling that Y might attach more importance to appearances than to actual meaning. X suspects that he knows too little about Y to be able to assess this. The mere mention of the word “restart” is deceptive in this context (thunderclouds gathering), because it symbolizes the desire to play the same game again after a loss in order to perhaps win this time without having a better starting position (casino world – new attempt, new luck).

In the absence of Y, X feels ready for Y and feels as if the imaginary Y inside him is showing him good will and love because she can recognize his devotion. When X stops thinking about Y, but simply accepts the inner fantasy image of Y – simply accepts the situation: then Y is well disposed to him. In accepting the abandonment he recognizes a kind of positive praise that the fantasy Y apparently gives him for his ability to accept the situation. It sounds like “I have imprinted you, I have left my mark in you. Now you are excellent, because you have felt a small part of my pain”. But X feels that he is now thrown back on the desire to be in contact with Y, because this feeling of connectedness leaves him vitalized. Vitalized in the sense that he now wants to fight for Y again and has the feeling that he is the right person for Y – when he imagines that he can reflect an aspect of her pain.

X is afraid that his exhibitionist actions will develop a life of their own and he makes sure every day that the publicity he gives through his online persona is still in line with what he is doing. He wants to appear authentic in order to be able to reflect the wishes of Y, the wishes that Y has for a partner. X feels degraded when he reflects on the fact that he is constructing a structure that is stuck in time and has arisen in the past from his hopes. X tends to become more and more concrete in order not to be misunderstood. The display of his preferences (music, literature, films) seems to him meanwhile to be undignified towards himself and Y, as he might spoil Y’s enjoyment of these works by naming them in this static way as if they were his property and also by putting himself into a “bubble” that always makes his world of thoughts and all new events in life (new music, literature, film …) revolve around an unattainable object. X feels trapped between these two opposites and he feels that he has to clear up his online exhibitionism in time to be in harmony again with these insights, with which he “magically” suspects that he could hurt Y through his exhibitionism (inner reflection). He vacillates between the wish not to hurt Y and the wish to present himself to Y as a wish fulfillment, and since no feedback comes, he relies on abstruse feedback from an uncertain source such as the time at which he perceives Y as present in social media (green light). Undignified image of true inner connectedness in the form of an insecure and deceptive network (online casino), which can inject signals for manipulation if required. The operator of the contact is a multiple presence (externally influenced image of Y mixed with the conglomerate of manipulation desires of the platform operators, reflecting money and power interests of uninvolved and potentially malicious actors. This image of capitalist systematics, as “Laterna Magica”, deceives the eye in such a way that it looks as if Y is in alliance with these evil powers). Reflected in such an excessive way, the reflection loses its validity because it is so detailed that it lets assume as a self-revelation about X that X completely misjudges the situation and that a contact break-off by Y has already occurred.

X feels strong feelings of connection when he has the opportunity to perceive Y as online on social media (green light). If this hasn’t been the case for a long time, he gets really euphoric when Y is finally “back” again. X is not fooling himself and realizes that Y lives a life without him and probably does not think about him at this moment. But X almost “magically” tells himself that Y must be thinking of him, because he senses in himself a kind of representation of Y. As if Y is present in him and he is thinking about what Y might be thinking about him and his “being online” at the moment or what Y might think about the online profile descriptions (music, literature, movies etc.) presented by him in an exhibitionistic way (if she would come across them) and whether he can win Y’s favour or goodwill with it. X befriends the thought that he can never really get in touch with Y again, but that there is an invisible bond between him and Y. Based on knowledge of Y’s preferences (which he knows about), X concludes that Y is experienced in literature and feelings of “impossible love” and “unfulfilled love”. X therefore feels a connection to Y simply by knowing that Y must be capable of highly sensitive feelings and hopes to find in this reflection a way to get close to Y through similar experiences in separation. In contrast to this, statements of the defence expressed by Y effectively invalidate these assumptions, as they tend to suggest that simple similarities of an activity cannot form the basis for a bond. Many of Y’s statements made earlier were effective in this way, since they retroactively establish a line of defence that can effectively invalidate the regulations made by X, as long as X remains true to the word and does not try to make up stories.

X senses worthlessness in art, literature, music, which he himself creates out of infatuation with Y. X has the feeling that Y would consider these works as worthless, since Y’s desires concern the close connection and communication with a person (not with an object). X knows that Y is looking for something else and his wishes that Y might be taken with these works are now more strongly present, because he has already thought a lot about Y and has anchored her essence in his mind as a point of reference where he compares his actions. He checks many of his actions which he does with the sentence “what would Y think about it now”. X would like to relieve pressure through his work and maintain the feeling of having value in the eyes of Y. He does not succeed in this and it causes him stress and depression. X is aware of Y’s preferences and is sad that he can hardly train the abilities for this kind of communication from within himself, as it is the case with the works he likes to create. He would need contact with people to train this, but he doesn’t spend his free time with people, because he feels bored by many people and they don’t share his interest in such thought processes. X realizes that he is trapped in a “bond”. The works he does to please Y are met with rejection from her. The works that could please Y, he cannot learn to do, because he lacks a person like Y and he would “abuse” every person who could take Y’s place to train him in this way and there would be nobody to train him in this direction. If you look at such a bond, then you can see that Y only communicated her preferences and X here automatically and unteachably held on to the idea to prove that he is not like he is. The search for intentions will remain unsuccessful, because we humans retroactively always reevaluate and rethink our past. A reassessment will be made. “Why didn’t I want to admit to myself that I couldn’t do it? Because I had moral reasons or I wanted to help.” In the face of painful loss, superficial attractions (horny woman) strangely transform into deeper intentions (reassessment), as they lead to saying: what? – Y is not approached in such a way. She carries a deeper level within her. X discovers that there is a deeper level that is more attractive and deeper than the level that first attracted him. You never know immediately what a matryoshka contains, or how big a genie will become when you release it from the bottle. And yet: even the surface already reveals a lot about a deeper content, if you have an eye for it. Even at the beginning, much of the depth is already intuitively perceptible and acts as an announcement.

X hopes for uniquely seen deep connections to Y. X feels connected to Y in a symbiotic way. X did not develop this just like that, but this feeling developed from situations of message contact, which consisted of Y opening up to him in a trusting way and drawing him into her haze in a strongly rejecting yet also instructive way. X feels as an initiate, as a beneficiary, but also as if he had wrested this from Y – because Y has indicated on several occasions that it does not fit and also mentioned that …

X suspects that by thinking hard and clearly about these issues he could rise above them. X hopes that through an integrative understanding and “going all out” he will reach a position in which he is consolidated. X knows that in this position he would possibly be strong enough again for a contact with Y. X acts erratically and hesitantly; he does not know whether he wants to move forward in this direction. X feels abandoned, because he wants to be accepted as he is and not as he is stronger. Stronger he is always an affront to Y. His strengths are disregarded by Y. It is miserable, but he does not want to be accepted when he is well and strong, but when he is bad. Small-minded reflections on love, and yet: if someone only comes when the sun is shining and not when it is raining, then a depth of contact is missing. And yet: if the person suspects or knows that it would go wrong in the rainy season in a comparatively harder way than in the sunny season, then one can appreciate it positively that the person does not want to bother you in times of weakness. But the idle considerations are dragging on rocky shores, whose ramparts exist as uncertainly as the correct reflection of these conjectures in the real world. X realizes that he is in contact with himself, and even if it were not so and Y follows what he says, he would have to raise the white flag just out of respect for the missing exchange partner: with regard to any claims he might have on Y.

X is sad that he will probably never be able to talk to Y about all this, because Y would only tear it to pieces and he fears that Y will approach him in the most hostile way possible and either threaten, despise, hate or something similar. But Y’s hurtful behavior is the icy cold line of termination she draws. Yet, X knows that Y isn’t doing this for fun, but suffers or has suffered from “triggering experiences” and only reacted that way because of it. On request X assured Y very early on not to act passively-aggressively towards her. However, many of X’s actions are indicated in a passive-aggressive way, can be understood in this way and are often only subsequently reassessed by X. X has to admit to himself that he obviously does not learn here or only very slowly and could not really keep his original promise. X suspects: Y is actually not a complicated person, but he is a person who thinks complicated and confronts Y with topics that are not good for her.

X begins to fear abstractions about the “complex” (complex: here used as a space of encounter between X and Y), because they reveal gigantic sizes and he has the feeling that he can’t write down everything that lies within. X fears Y to do wrong, because he makes interpretations. He thinks he can judge Y and feels sad about it now. He thinks of simple pleasures like sitting and spending time with Y and what it might be like if… if what? If Y is not like Y? The same desire (reflection). “What we have in common is that we repel each other in similar ways.” X does not feel that all these abstractions and attempts at explanation help him to ever be able to agree with Y on the true level of intention (what is really going on). X suspects that there must be a “magical” fitting of the “key into the lock” in order to sink or rise into a heavenly common ground with Y. It must simply fit. It is then “infinite”, aloof and dreamlike, loving and highly sensitive and X knows that Y is capable of high infatuation and sensitivity and that you can experience truly romantic things with Y if you are the right one. X is afraid of the whirlpool of this detachment from peace. X is afraid of the insatiable Y. X desires the situations of joy that one can have with Y. X is attracted to the wisdom of Y. X recognizes the sad similarities between Y and novel characters like Anna Karenina or other characters. X should be satisfied with the fact that it has come apart like this. X is worried that another person will defeat Y in the same way as those lovers in these novels. X is glad that Y values her dignity more than love. X sees this as positive for the life of Y.

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