Some women frighten potential partners with the emptiness and senselessness they radiate and then have to push these frightened partners away because a frightened man cannot embody the longed-for saviour/herotic role, as he himself needs help. It’s like: “look, I have this emptiness, senselessness here — can you handle it (right)?” and then when the right answer doesn’t come, disappointment follows. A single such situation then causes the breaking off of a contact that has been running for a long time. Also “accidental action” (e.g. if one gives an ill-considered answer from the gut) is triggering the pushing away in the “phase of testing”, because it shows that someone is aimless, which is also not what the woman wants. The women I find to be cool want a man who has a plan. Just being (being healthy) would be the right thing, but: the “energy field” of such women (inner emptiness and senselessness) influences men who don’t realize it in such a way that they don’t rest in themselves anymore (this is a small excerpt of further contexts) and a simple “admonition” of the traumatized person doesn’t work. A non-traumatised person just can’t understand this so well and she doesn’t allow the other person to learn from negative experiences because she walks away from them (but sometimes knowledge about possible solutions is interpreted at an early stage so that at least there is a chance and not just a head/number coin toss). You don’t see at first sight that the woman has an “active” part here, although she passively waits for someone to arrive who is good for her. The “estimation” alone, as I do here, has a negative effect, because it mocks the individual human being if you go into abstraction, because she is looking for the concrete, the manageable, the real and the abstraction blurs the intimacy. At the same time there is an aversion to “empowering” (to empower oneself; to want to assess her), because it is an invalidation of her own creative expression of life (what emanates from her is drowned out by the image that one makes of her; her voice is not heard; there is a condemnation). The sound makes the music: if you empower yourself to have a plan in a conflict, this is joyful for her, because through attitude/opinion you can get to know each other and find meaning, but if the invalidation occurs or you empower yourself over her (you have been sorted out), then the conflict is only a nuisance for her. The only one who falls into these traps is the one she might be looking for and who does not know how to treat her correctly because she is looking for the one who treats her wrong. It is a foggy area in which I have gained abstract insights, but as an outsider I can only poke around and cause damage. Only those who are at home in this emptiness and senselessness will set up the rules by which we normals (obviously not quite normal in all the crazy talk I’m writing here) will be judged, which result from the traumas of (mostly early) childhood and the hope to meet someone who finally fits and the (childhood) trauma can be successfully overcome with a person as similar as possible. What would such a woman think of the text here? It would be an affront and the complexity of my gossip would get on her nerves and I would have a bad conscience because I have ventured too close to the place where she has to retreat / seek protection. Then follows the usual disassembly of the whole structure I have made for myself and for fear of getting too close to her I invalidate my own writing, to push it back into my unconscious as invalid and wrong due to the potential danger it might have for her, although I usually guessed pretty much in the right direction. Then the question: what if I’m right and I’m totally good? am I a narcissist, someone who feels too cool for myself? No, don’t be, so invalidate. God makes no mistakes, but I’m not God, am I? If I do everything right, then she’ll let me stay with her. She is a misanthropist and does not believe in God (hates people). Only God does not make mistakes, so I have no chance, because to stay with her I would have to be (a) God who does not make mistakes and would still be hated by her, because she cannot believe in a redeemer, because that would mean to invalidate her youth, because if there was a redeemer, why was he not there at that time. When things are going well now, what happens to the child from back then, that is still in trouble there and when everything is going well now, then this child from back then feels much more alone. And because I suspect and estimate so much, that’s why you had to give me the most important messages in advance in such a way that I can’t pronounce them without empowering myself “over your word”; that is: to interpret your word — which I won’t do.

Through the many concerns, I think I understand her and in the end I realize: I suddenly think like her in some things and I fool myself in such a way that I think she would be close to me by “performing” her inside of me like a theatre and thereby branding myself with a mental brand, that I put her sign on myself to be able to see as she sees, so that I don’t have to look at her only from the outside, so that I can understand it as if one walks a mile in someone else’s shoes and only then can say that one can understand her. Like a driven one, or a surfer on a wave: sometimes you ride it and sometimes you get carried away by it.

The worst thing would be if these written down words were suddenly just vain. You read them afterwards and think: “oh, what a vain thing you were, you wrote that just to convince her again that you do have a value and then you present her again exactly what is worthless for her and think: maybe she will learn to love it… “, or then: “you have tried like a compulsive obsessive to protect and verbally defend yourself in every respect, only because of this the text loses its meaning and becomes ridiculous again because of its length” — and yet today I have the feeling: yes I can do it, no matter where it goes… I win… and somewhere inside me there is this thorn that stings and says: every time I win, she loses me more. And already everything doesn’t sound like something that could convince such a woman that I’m a person with good intentions, but more like the madness of a Lautrêamont, just because I’ve written too far into the chaos and think it would be useful to bring out and show this network of relationships. But these are not a beautiful trophy but hellish works of art and yet I find them beautiful and yet I have to deny them because in their eyes they would be ugly. Where I am completely absorbed in my own individuality, I am ugly for her, because she cannot understand my passion. And so I have rejected her from me, giving her the feeling that I thought about her: “she cannot understand me! / can not love me”. The reason for the rejection was: “I thought I could assess her / how she was facing me” and through this I didn’t really see her, not as a person but only as a reflection of my imagination and exactly this is the sad thing about her (for which I regret her) that she always only meets people who see her as a reflection of their imagination and to whom she has to teach a lesson (although she only does this by force / is looking for something else)… she always has to give lessons. Why does she have such a sad fate? I will not know. I would like to know. — I have a tendency to overwhelm people. Ah yes hm, then I have a coping strategy where I lower myself to keep the other one on the pedestal.

Now I do it myself, now I assess myself (the loser who did X and Y and has nothing more to offer) to teach her a lesson passively-aggressively unconsciously towards myself. The lesson that I will become the way she judges me negatively when she does so. There is a logical error here: she didn’t assess me at all — she just walked away from me when I no longer believed in her. Looking for guilt like a needle in a haystack? Who cares who’s to blame… it was never about guilt.

The disappointment would be for her if it became obvious that I was only playing. That my contact with her and also the writing here has no deeper plan but only serves to compensate my emotional life. If, for example, in my job or in my spare time I lack variety and I only need it “as a kick” to keep me from being bored. She would then feel used and it would give her nothing. Also here: all these texts are like a puzzle or a thinking activity which I follow all by myself. There is no exchange and no communication and that’s exactly what she cares about: getting to know each other, the joy of communicating. She has always said clearly what she is looking for. I played around and wanted to fit into this search because she was so attractive. But how could she deal with the fact that I’m a Janus-face, that I swap roles and so she appreciates me on the one hand correctly, but on the other hand still then the offended part, which had more to offer, which longed for meaningful conversations with her. It is strange how I like her for that; that she hopes from me. I have not, but I like it about her. She demands it from me and cannot imagine a way in which I slowly learn what she is looking for (communication, spelling, language, discussion, debating, …). Women who know each other well talk to each other with such enthusiasm, familiarity and interest. It is a different world for me. Why can’t she take me as I am.

Trigger warning: can be seen e.g. in the music video: “Daughter Numbers”. Are trigger warnings still useful at all? I once read somewhere that they are not supposed to help at all but are rather stupid.

Daughter – A hole in the earth

She can’t demand that: to turn off what I like about myself and become someone else. And for me to even suspect this would make her think: “how can he think such a thing, I never asked for that; I didn’t ask for anything from you, either it works or it doesn’t”. And then I feel like I’m under a bell jar, because everything is always thought only in the imagination and exactly this communication where you can tell each other everything, exactly this communication never got going, although I would have liked to have it exactly with her. Then I think: maybe she wants me to feel as misunderstood as she must always feel. But that cannot be, because then she would be lying and would have hidden intentions.

It feels so crass for me to desire a woman for whom I am actually nothing, or just invisible or one among many possible applicants. Why do I have to make such an experience so late in life and zack focus on me again, there we are right again, selfishness back in town. But she felt compelled to tell me that I had no meaning for her and emphasized this in a slightly pissed off way. How is it possible that she already gave up in advance. I could have just pulled the cart out of the mud all by myself and swallowed all the insults, or even backfired and had dominance and stuff ready like a psychopath. Why did she communicate with me for so long anyway? What was it that made her give me new chances several times, for more than 2 years? Does she enjoy torturing me when I don’t even fit into what she usually seeks? I have to admit: I can’t cope in a relationship if a woman has to constantly drive away her boredom with new surprises and conflicts because she can’t stand being alone (wasn’t it?).

Ok, now the point is reached where I think the text would be worth deleting by now. I’ve written it 10 times and it feels like a compulsive act by now, so I’ll stop.