Love for friendship, wholeness, selflessness

Disclaimer: what I have understood here may be faulty and should be discussed and questioned in dialogue with the Beloved Subject. In this respect it is only what I have understood and may not correspond to reality in everything. However, I hope that I have correctly recognized the key points, otherwise it would be a pity.

People in our world increasingly look at themselves with a narrow view of life. The Beloved Subject perceives that the purpose for which the other person wants to be with you is usually at the forefront of any contact with you (for example, when people are only looking for either sex or partnership). There are people who want to take advantage of her, with bad intentions. She is looking for real friendships and she does not want to be reduced. It is also not good for her to commit herself to someone with hair and skin. But she likes it when someone gives her confirmation.

So it is a burden to her: if others make their contact decisions towards her depending on whether an “either/or” is given and if this is not fulfilled, they then decide to end the contact (e.g.: if someone does not maintain the friendship in case of unrequited love, or also: if someone instigates a friendship because he can be sure that he cannot fall in love / because the other is not attractive).

“I want a contact, I want people who are interested in me as a person. Who do not judge me by partnership criteria, not by fuckability, but also not by -I’m not interested in you-. In my eyes, that’s exactly that, the interest that must be there. I want people who don’t break off contact with me after six months because we are too sympathetic. What the hell is going on out there with the people”

A proof that you are good to each other: “I just don’t want this proof to be provided by the fact that you are ugly and you are not in danger of falling in love. And I don’t want that proof to be furnished by attractiveness.”

She does not see friendship and relationship as competition (not like most people do). If you love the other person, you treat him or her well and if it is true, you would be happy for your partner/friend if he or she has joy with other people outside of your own contact (you are happy for him or her). So she finds: to love someone does not mean that you have to own him exclusively. It means that you want the best for him and if this person you love has other things parallel, you are happy if this person finds happiness in the parallel worlds. Cheating is no problem in an ideal partnership, because you give yourself the freedom to do so. She regards friendship as an overriding concept and finds it sad that other people are always looking for partners or sex. She wants to find people who can accept her completely, as the whole person and does not want to be reduced to a partial aspect of her holistic being and also does not want to be seen by the other person only as an object and not wanted as a friend; and also: that the other person breaks off contact because he does not reach his goal. She finds it awkward to share only a leisure activity, or only a hobby, without really getting closer. She wants real contacts, where you are not seen as an object for the other’s goal, but as a human being. Not according to partnership criteria and not according to fuckability and also not according to: “I’m not interested”, but as a human being. She wants an interest to be there. Physical attraction is also a part of the whole – she sees beauty ideals and IQ tests as relevant measures.

From her point of view it makes no difference whether one approaches a relationship altruistically or selfishly (is not relevant). Because she thinks that people don’t give you anything if they are only there when you are the way they want you to be (this is the crux). The concept of friendship is used inflationary, so people are considered friends with whom you may only spend time together (in her world, however, these would be just loose acquaintances). It has a sense of what it means to be intimate with each other and to have a real interest in the other person as he or she really is, not as you want him or her to be (the human qualities and character of a friend).

She finds it sad that in our society only that which has a profit counts. She is sensitive to other people, uncompromising and not pretending to be, but also careful and on guard for understandable reasons. She differentiates in terms of selflessness between the joy of helping someone and the joy of putting everything together in such a way that you can get out of something in a profitable way for yourself *sarcasm* “Stupidity is stupid, selflessness is good”. For the joy of helping someone, she is often patient and goes to waste. Patient, even if someone has already revealed weaknesses. She gets tired when patience is challenged, but remains objective. But then she becomes impulsive when boundaries are crossed. She knows how to emerge weakened from a communication. She doesn’t always have to pull something out for herself, but she gives a second chance if she sees a possibility that someone can use it for his or her own advancement. To protect her dignity, however, she does not do this arbitrarily. She thinks that children (and certainly other people as well) get a feeling of security through love, care and trust and not through a special family constellation. She wonders whether one still loves when one is uncertain of one’s love or whether insecurity is an indication of a lack of love. Her self-esteem (not being able to live up to expectations) and dignity suffer from these conflicts. Selflessness leads to situations in which you run the risk of having invested too much and of realizing that you are not in an environment that is conducive to your own well-being and preferences and that others are not taking the same steps towards you as you are. This is a difficult situation and I find it painful that those who take steps towards others (the Beloved Subject) are then brought into such awkward situations by this preference for closeness to a person and meaningful contact. She has had to learn that dignity is more important than love, in the sense that love is a loss of one’s own freedom because one adapts to the other without this being based on reciprocity, as it were. Dignity means here: to remain true to oneself, since relationships end and one remains oneself.

“I know all too well that contacts on the Internet break off quickly. Because very few people are actually interested in the person opposite them, or the interest is very focused on certain things, such as the prospect of sex or a relationship. I want contacts that last because people are interested in the other person. Because of what the other person says, not because of what they look like or what they have to offer”. So it’s about not rejecting the other person if there is an interest and you don’t get what you focus on.

“And I want to find people who are also looking for people who are not primarily looking for partners … that I do not want to be contacted by people who contact me for reasons other than friendship”.

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